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Ielts Essay On Encouraging Children's Competion Or Cooperation - With A Free Essay Review
PROMPT: Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
My essay (from 1 - 9, which score can I get):
Competition and cooperation are essential skills all managers have to master in order to run any corporations or organizations. People, in general, also need these skills to succeed in their work and social life. There are many supporters of the idea that we should teach children how to compete in their early life. However, other people claim that children who know to cooperate well are better than those competitive ones.
People who encourage competition in children have some quite reliable reasons. In the first place, they claim that competition is the nature of the world today and without it, there is no survival. For example, if a small company does not know how to struggle to get a respectable place in the market, you will soon be kicked out of the game. Moreover, those people believe that children's competitive personality also means the desire to succeed. Because, obviously, the ones who are on top of the ones who have known how to knock down any against them. In addition, children who have competitive personality, as a result, have strong independent characteristics.
On the other hand, others believe people need to be cooperative with these following reasons. Primarily, it is almost always more difficult to deal with any trouble alone. For instance, teams are better at resolving problems in comparison to individuals because teamwork is done by the combination of more than one brain. Furthermore, cooperative people tend to be adapted to new environment with strangers. Therefore, they are excellent at making friends and expanding their social network. In contrast to a competitive child, a friendly cooperative child tends to have more friends and play peacefully with them.
In sum, I believe children should know when it is appropriate to be competitive and to be cooperative. At present, we are making children compete at most schools by giving them marks and levels. This should be changed in the future in order to educate good citizens.
You ask "from 1-9, which score can I get?" I have no idea. But you won't get many points for writing sentences like the following: "There are many supporters of the idea that we should teach children how to compete in their early life. However, other people claim that children who know to cooperate well are better than those competitive ones." The reason you won't get many points for writing those kinds of sentences is that they essentially just repeat what is already implied in the question. Don't waste time doing that in your introduction. Spend time thinking about what the prompt is asking you, what arguments you can make about the subject, and write a thesis clarifying the argument you want to make and your reasons for making it.
The paragraph in which you discuss whether a sense of competition should be encouraged in children begins by referencing "the nature of the world today" and offers as an example of general competition a company that must compete in the market place. You then move on to your next point. So you have a massively general idea (competition as the nature of the world) and a single example from capitalist societies to support it. By the time you're done with the example, you seem to have forgotten the children. If your point is that children should be encouraged to be competitive because they might end up running businesses, then I think that point is a weak one (very few people, relatively speaking, end up running businesses). If your point is that children should be encouraged to be competitive because no matter what they end up doing, they are like to find themselves in competitive situations, then the example is a poor one, and you really need instead not just one good example, but several good examples. The larger problem, of course, is that you have not specified what your point is. Now you go on to make a point about "the desire to succeed" but you offer no meaningful clarification (which is to say, the sentence beginning with the word "because" doesn't make sense) or example. And you conclude the paragraph with a claim about "independent characteristics" that likewise lacks development or examples.
Your next paragraph is a bit better, although you rely again on just a single, very general example to make your main point. I think you might have more success elaborating a single argument with the help of concrete examples. The conclusion to the paragraph focuses, it seems to me, on the wrong issue. The prompt asks you about the right approach to education with a view to the child's success as an adult. You are focusing on the child's success as a child.
In your final paragraph, you give your own view, in a single sentence, and are then distracted by things tangential to the main point of the essay. You do not explain your view in any detail at all. If you want to argue that children should "know when it is appropriate to be competitive and to be cooperative," then you need to develop an argument about when exactly those things are appropriate.