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Essay On The Most Important Aspect Of A Job (TOEFL Topic 53)--with A Free Essay Review



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Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important aspect of a job is the money a person earns.



Essay:

Money is an important aspect of a job, but it is not the only thing that you expect from a job. When you are offered two jobs whose conditions are the same except the salary, you certainly choose the job with higher salary. But sometimes other conditions can be determinative. For example the time of work is an important aspect that can make you discard accepting a job working the night shift, although night shifts pay more than day shifts. The place where you would work is also a determinative issue. Some jobs are located far from the cities or in a bad climate region. You should be sure you could adapt yourself with that region.



In addition, you should feel good and be satisfied with your job. A high paid job in which you feel stressed or disappointed is just a waste of time. Someone can make more money in a desired job rather than an undesired one.



Someone’s job is his second life outside the home. So the environment of work should be pleasant for him. That means a person’s colleagues should feel happy because of being together. The relationship between a boss and employees should be friendly. In such an environment, the employee doesn’t become bored.



The social position of someone is evaluated by his job. So it should be considered when someone seeks a job.



To choose among some jobs we should consider all aspects of them and not decide only based on money. We work to live but don’t live to work. We should have a high quality life. Most of it could be covered by money. But we don’t need only money in our life. The most important aspect of a job is a high quality life we can achieve as our job outcome.



Essay Review, submitted by EJ.



Thank you for submitting your essay for review. I have divided this review into three parts. The first part looks at the language of the essay. The second part looks at the question of consistency. And the third part looks at the argument, or logic.



1. Language.

I’ve silently edited minor grammatical and idiomatic problems. Compare the current and submitted versions to study the difference. Other problems, like occasional wordiness is left uncorrected; “discard accepting” in the first paragraph is the most egregious example and should be replaced by “refuse” or “decline” or “turn down.” In the second paragraph, the expression “you should feel good and be satisfied with” is both wordy and imprecise: “feel good” is too vague, so it is not clear how it complements, or what it adds to the meaning of, “be satisfied with.” The expression “Most of it could be covered by money,” is also vague; it’s not clear, for instance, precisely what the pronoun (“it”) refers to, and the phrase “covered by” is probably the wrong choice here.



2. Consistency of tone and purpose.

You start off by writing an argumentative essay about the relative importance of remuneration, but by the end of the paragraph your essay has changed into an advice piece, in which you directly address the reader instructing her or him about what to consider when weighing job offers. Then the essay changes from being prescriptive to descriptive, as you tell the reader about other work-related issues worth considering in an impersonal way (you say “it should be considered” rather than “you should consider”). Then, in the final paragraph, the tone changes again, and you speak of what “we” do and should do.



3. Logic.

In the second paragraph, the logic of the argument is not clear. First you say it’s a waste of time for a person to work in a well-paid unsatisfying job, then you argue that more money is earned in a satisfying job. You seem to set the paragraph up to compare well paid unsatisfying work with less well paid work that is satisfying. That would make sense in the context of an argument about the relative importance of money. Since you assert (without reason or evidence) that more money can be earned in a satisfying job, the point gets lost here. You seem to be presupposing the very thing (the prime importance of money) that you are bringing into question. That’s one example of the essay losing its argumentative focus. In an argumentative essay, you need to decide what argument you want to make, and then defend it with reason and evidence. I don’t think this essay does this. I am not sure by the end of the essay, in any case, where you really stand on the question of the importance of money in consideration of a job. I see that you acknowledge it’s importance. I see that you acknowledge that there are other considerations too. But you don’t really attempt to judge the relative importance of each, so your last sentence in which you attempt to define what’s most important about a job seems a mere assertion rather than an argument, and since the most important aspect according to that assertion (a high quality life) is not necessarily independent of the money earned in a job, the assertion itself doesn’t really clarify anything with respect to the question posed at the beginning. It seems to me that you have set your essay up to show that there are other considerations, but not really to argue which is most important, or to argue that money is not most important. I would suggest that if you want to revise an essay like this, you begin the process of revision by writing a sentence like the following: “The money a person earns is not the most important aspect of a job because X, Y, Z.” X, Y, and Z in this case are your reasons for deprecating the value of money. Then write a sentence like this. “Aspects of a job that are more important than money are A, B, C.” Then write an essay the demonstrates the truth of those two sentences.



I hope that you have found some of these remarks helpful. Best of luck with your TOEFL preparations,



EJ.
Submitted by: mehdi_mka
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Comments
Admin
+41

Thank you for posting this essay. Your essay review (written by The Essay Judge) has been embedded in your post above. If you like the essay or find something helpful here please click the Like Button . Upvote good comments. And “Pay it Forward” by leaving a comment on this or another essay!

Thanks.
August,07 2011

Rate Comment:
Mehdi_mka
+1

Thanks a lot for dedicating your time to review my essay. I try to apply your points in my essays.

Best regards.
August,07 2011

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