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Dreaming Is Achieving - Flagged
Dreaming Is Achieving
What are the core skills and knowledge you hope to acquire by completing a degree in this major and how do you plan to apply these when you graduate?
The knowledge I anticipate to acquire by pursuing a Bachelor in Industrial and Systems Engineering at the University of Florida is an all-embracing understanding of my indicated career path. Followed by an empowering opportunity to further improve my professional capabilities by utilizing tools such as simulation, engineering methods, mathematical modeling, and optimization. Since all the knowledge in the world is not sufficient, if I’m not qualified of utilizing it in real life. A chief skill I expect to develop is the ability unearths techniques to remove wastefulness in production procedures. Keeping my fingers cross and by working to the best of my abilities I would love to take part in an environmental friendly internship. Internships are the best ways to learn what is not to fully fathom in a theoretical lecture. Thought an internship, I could expand my horizons by obtain a hands on experience on my selected field of study. After attaining my Bachelor of Science degree I expect to further my studies by acquiring a Masters Degree in Industrial and System Engineering. Once I have finalized my studies I aspire to become employed by one of the main engineering firms.
This essay has been flagged for deletion because its primary issue is the large number of language errors; we cannot address that issue here. I wrote the following comments on the first two sentences before realizing the essay needed to be deleted (you may wish to copy them if they are of any use to you):
The first sentence is too general and vague. You don't indicate any specific knowledge of skills that you hope to acquire. Saying that you want an "all-embracing understanding of your indicated career-path," moreover, sounds plain odd. You have not indicated your career-path in this document, and an understanding of your career-path is not the most obvious thing that one should expect to get from completing a degree. Completing a degree is part of your career path, the part in which you acquire extensive knowledge of your discipline. Read generously, your sentence will probably be understood to mean that you want to learn everything there is to know about industrial and systems engineering. There is a better way to communicate that fact; i.e., by saying "I want to learn everything there is to know about industrial and systems engineering." That's still very general, however. You might follow it with a sentence beginning with the words "Specifically, I hope to acquire knowledge of etc."
Your second sentence is a sentence fragment and is also awkwardly worded. You want to be an engineer not a life-coach, so there's no need to use phrases like "empowering opportunities" or "improve my professional capabilities by utilizing tools." I recommend making your points clearly and directly: "I want to learn how to use mathematics to model real-world interactions etc." (I would also recommend that you not utilize "utilize" when you can utilize "use" instead, but perhaps that's a personal prejudice.)