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Duke Supplement - With Free Essay Review

Why do you want to go to Duke? No more than 1-2 paragraphs

First time hearing about Duke was in seventh grade with the Duke TIP program. Ever since, I have told myself that I am definitely applying there. Then, after visiting the campus, I developed even more desire to apply. Infinite opportunities, hands-on experiences, an amazing study abroad program, and a student body with a love for learning are a few of the things that make Duke one of my top choices. With Duke University Hospital within walking distance, I will enjoy doing research in a professional institute. As my desire to become a doctor one day, it will give me an idea of the things I will see and do within a hospital. All the research opportunities will allow me to gain hands-on experience in a medical environment. The study abroad program or Duke Engage is also connected to these. With an immense number of programs available for students, both international and domestic, I will be able to do more research and gain more hands-on experience in a new city with its own type of people and culture. With all the opportunities out there, I will enjoy meeting new people whether it be when I’m doing research or participating in club activities. During my visit, the student body really stood out for me. They were friendly, inviting, and obviously in love with the school. However, what really stuck out to me was their desire to learn. Many people were either double majoring or double minoring in subjects that had nothing to do with their career interests. Since I have a great desire to increase my knowledge too, it will be easy to make friends who have similarities with me. Although we might have some things in common, because of the vast amount of diversity on campus, with myself being an Iranian-American, each student will be unique in his or her own way. It will be an incredible experience to go to Duke for college, learning about everyone’s different culture and their interests, while getting a great education for my future.


Essay Review

There is nothing especially wrong with the reasons you advance here for your wanting to attend Duke. I'm surprised that you don't give an indication of what you want to study and why Duke is appropriate for that (I see that you mention that you want to be a doctor one day, but not what you plan to study immediately). You might, for instance, look up courses you might take and the faculty who will be teaching those, and explain why you're excited about those things (the courses and the faculty).

What you most need to improve here, however, is the quality of the writing. The first thing you sould do to improve that quality is to completely revise every sentence beginning with "with." In fact, delete all your "with" phrases, and revise accordingly (they don't just occur at the beginning, and the one that informs us of your ethnicity is perhaps the most awkward one). You use these prepositional phrases primarily to relate the main topic of the sentence to some facts about Duke, but the relation tends to be a very vague one. What, for example, does the pleasure you expect to take in "meeting new people" have to do with "all the opportunities out there"? Presumably you have something in mind, and can answer that question, but your reader won't have the luxury of being able to ask you. If you want to say that you expect Duke will offer you many opportunities to meet with students engaged in the kind of research or college activities that you are interested in, then the best way to say that clearly is to say something like this: "I think Duke will offer me many opportunities to meet with students etc." Generally, I recommend that you write sentences with simple, clear, strong main clauses!

Change "one of my top choices" to "my top choice" (if you are a Kantian, and don't like to lie, then spend a few minutes convincing yourself that Duke is your top choice before making the change; you can later convince yourself that Princeton is your top choice when you write your Princeton letter).

Because it is important to get the first sentence right, let me note finally that you begin by skipping the first word of the sentence ("my"); that kind of ellipsis is common in colloquial speech, but this is not the place for informality.

Best, EJ
Submitted by: butterflyopal

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