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Change Of View - With A Free Essay Review
"Topic: There may be personal information that you want considered as part of your application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment."
Sitting on a ten hour flight, I was completely unaware that in the next year or so my life, the way that I look at the world was going to completely change. After having lived in Texas for most of my life and having never really been outside of the United States, my family and I were moving to the United Kingdom.
I hadn't even been in the UK for a week when I learned my first lesson; patience. In the United States we are always on the go and we expect thing to happen almost instantaneously, at the drop of the hat. But this just isn't the ways things work in other parts of the world; you can consider yourself lucky to get out of a dinner service in two hours compared to an hour in the U.S. But I realized there was a method to the madness, as you sat there you were able to better enjoy the company at your table and better appreciate your surroundings, rather than rushing through just to eat and move on to the next activity.
Going to an American School I was given many opportunities to travel and experience other cultures. One of my favorite and most memorable moments is when my basketball team travelled to Moscow, Russia for a tournament and we were housed with the families of the teams in Russia. Now when our host said she would be taking us to the "supermarket" I thought we would be going to nice little shop comparable to a small Wal-Mart or so. No, we were taken to a shop about the size of a small apartment, and as we walked out the bulky security guard at the door said a shy "good-bye". The mother later revealed that the people in the shop were excited because they had "never seen American people before" and that the good-bye I received from the security guard was a golden opportunity to speak English, and that he would most likely tell his family about us later. This experience taught me how truly fortunate I am to be an American, and that if people were excited just by the fact that we were from a certain country, then this country is most definitely a special and cherishable place. Another one of the lesson that I was taught is to appreciate what you have and to take advantage of every opportunity given. I went to a service project in Greece were we would be helping out a local high school. When we got there, the outside of the school was completely trashed, there was garbage everywhere and there wasn't a single wall untouched by graffiti. And yet, the students were some of the nicest and happiest people I have ever seen, they were always smiling and willing to help. This experience changed the way I look at educational opportunities completely. If these students were so willing and aspirational with a small trashed school (not anymore we fixed it up), then as a student with international opportunities and experiences I had no excuses I must strive to reach higher and push myself to be the best that I could be. Even though at first I hated being outside of the United States, now that I am able to look back at my experiences I wouldn't trade them for the world. Before I left I took everything for granted and I didn't truly understand the opportunities that were being offered around me. But after seeing the circumstances of other people around this vast world I am now able to recognize these opportunities and take full advantage of them, and fully appreciate how great of a country the United States is.
The essay is organized poorly. The introduction suggests that you are going to talk about how "the way that [you] looked at the world was going to completely change" (that's a cliche, by the way) as a result of "moving to the United Kingdom." You go on to spend one paragraph talking about your experience in the UK, but you mention only learning a lesson about patience. That lesson is perhaps a little banal, but the larger problem with the paragraph is that it doesn't obviously concern your changing the way you look at the word, and that problem is exacerbated by the fact that you immediately drop the project of explaining how moving to the UK did change your way of looking at things.
The third paragraph, then, although it still concerns travel, introduces essentially a new topic: what you learned from visiting other cultures. The topic is not about changes in your view of the world, but changes in your view of your opportunities, and your view of the United States. The wonderfulness of the latter you learn to appreciate, apparently, and in the first place, on the basis of becoming a minor celebrity at a store in Moscow. It is a little bit odd that you should deduce anything really about the US on the basis of that experience.
In Greece, the lesson you learn is again a cliche: you learn to "appreciate what you have" and to "take advantage of every opportunity" and so on. Some readers have nasty allergic reactions to cliches, so I would recommend trying to find a more concrete and personal way of communicating your experience.
Even if you do that, however, it is not clear that the basic points made in this essay would constitute a reasonable response to the topic. You certainly have said much directly about the impact of your experiences on "your abilities of academic credentials, or etc." Perhaps striving to be the best you can be is one of your new educational goals, but that's a rather vague goal (and, again, a cliche).