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FSU Admissions Essay: Learning - With A Free Essay Review



Prompt: Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you and why? Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.

I believe every day is an opportunity to learn something new, whether it is waiting an extra five seconds before eating the Hot Pocket out of the microwave or finally grasping the concept behind a chemistry lesson. Therefore, out of the many characteristics that the Florida State University community has, the one that appeals to me the most is learning. As I have matured through my educational journey, I’ve realized that my education is everything. My education will get me to where I want to go and that knowledge is the starting foundation for anything I strive to achieve. The only way to attain this education and knowledge is through learning.

Learning is something I simply crave for. I have a naturally inquisitive and curious mind that some may see as a weakness, however I see it as one of my greatest strengths. Robyn Irving said “Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it sure has earned a lot of people graduate degrees” and I could not agree with her more! Curiosity has allowed me to crumble the walls of my learning boundaries. Also, it has assisted me in developing a habit for learning as much as I can in a given opportunity.

Gaining knowledge to achieve learning does not only apply to a classroom setting. Living your everyday life will teach you something no textbook or lecture ever could. In my opinion, just because a person has the highest IQ known to man or is considered a “genius” does not mean they will be the most successful in life. In fact, usually these types of people can’t blend in with society and lack the basic human skills. Learning is not only knowing subjects forwards and backwards, but it is also gaining wisdom, knowing how to interact with society, and not making the same mistakes twice. These different aspects are the reasons why learning is so imperative to me.

In my search for finding my ideal college for both learning through education and learning through experience, I have found that Florida State University provides a prestigious cover of both learning aspects. I am aspiring to get into the College of Nursing and after some research I have found that this college gives their students experience with nursing through learning in active classroom settings, in a high technology simulation laboratory, and in clinical agencies across the state. Thus, Florida State University provides the best of both worlds.

The way I see it, a well rounded student should have the perfect balance of “school smarts” and “life smarts”. This ideal perfect balance can be achieved by learning from the many experiences life tends to throw at you. Knowledge is key, education is everything, and learning is essential for anything I wish to achieve.

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ESSAY REVIEW

I think the first paragraph is a bit weak, which is a problem for a college essay. You open with a cliche, although you do spice it up a bit with the reference to Hot Pockets (but do you really want to create the impression that some days you only learn how to avoid burning your tongue?). When you say that you've realized "education is everything," you say something vague and trite, and it doesn't help that you conclude the essay as a whole with what is essentially a triple repetition of the same idea. In the penultimate sentence of the first paragraph ("My education, etc."), you seem to be saying the same thing, more or less, twice, and it's not the most exciting thing to be saying; I would certainly delete the first part of the sentence, which is a fairly banal cliche. The last sentence of the first paragraph seems to be stating something a little too obvious. Overall, I'm sorry to say, the paragraph as a whole, especially given that it is the first paragraph, should be scrapped. The admissions folk read these essays to find out about you. You cannot teach them much about you if you are using the vague, commonplace phrases that everyone uses. Be a little more concrete and sound a little more like your authentic self.

Your second paragraph is stronger, but again a bit cliched. Your claim to have a naturally curious mind, for instance, is very commonplace. It's fine to make that claim (after all, you have to claim something) but try to find a less conventional approach to the topic. I've never encountered anyone who thought of intellectual curiosity as a weakness, by the way, so that bit seems a little artificial to me.

Your penultimate paragraph is your strongest paragraph, and the penultimate sentence of that paragraph is your strongest sentence, because there you are talking about the concrete details of the program that you find appealing. Your essay as a whole should have many more concrete sentences like this, even, indeed especially, when you are talking about yourself.

Finally, since you are being asked to explain which of the four characteristics embraced by FSU are important to you, you could probably safely introduce a more analytical element into your essay by explaining not just why you are interested in the "learning" characteristic, but also the ways in which it is more appealing to you than leadership, service, and global awareness. The usual ploy here would be to claim that you have an interest in all of those things, but that in choosing a university, the most important is, etc.

Best,

EJ.
Submitted by: cuhreel55
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