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The Following Appeared As Part Of A Business Plan Developed By The Manager Of The Rialto Movie Theater. - With A Free Essay Review
‘The following appeared as part of a business plan developed by the manager of the Rialto Movie Theater. "Despite its downtown location, the Rialto Movie Theater, a local institution for five decades, must make big changes or close its doors forever. It should follow the example of the new Apex Theater in the mall outside of town. When the Apex opened last year, it featured a video arcade, plush carpeting and seats, and a state-of-the-art sound system. Furthermore, in a recent survey, over 85 percent of respondents reported that the high price of newly released movies prevents them from going to the movies more than five times per year. Thus, if the Rialto intends to hold on to its share of a decreasing pool of moviegoers, it must offer the same features as Apex."Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.’
To begin with, the author recommends that the Rialto must offer the same features as Apex to hold on to its share of a decreasing pool of moviegoers since Apex has introduced some new features. However, it is not clear whether the Rialto suffers from a significant decline in customers or not; thus, the Rialto might not have to make big changes. Thus, the first question that needs to be answered is if the number of customers has dropped significantly enough that it is necessary to make big changes. Even the survey reveals that people tend to go to the movies less, however, it is possible that even the number of moviegoers dropped slightly, it does not affect the popularity of the Rialto, then, it may not be necessary for the Rialto to make big changes. For this reason, the author’s recommendation would be undermined.
In addition, even if the number of moviegoers has dropped significantly, and it is necessary for the Rialto to bring about a change, the author recommends that the Rialto must offer the same features as Apex to be competitive. However, the recommendation only makes sense based on a fact that customers like the features offered by the new Apex Theather. Thus, the second question that needs to be answered is whether the new Apex Theater draws more crowds with these new features. If a survey shows that customers do not really care about these new features, then, it would not be logical that the Rialto should follow the plan of Apex. Whereas, if the new Apex Theater indeed attracts more moviegoers and customers prefer these features more, then the third question needs to be answered would be whether the Rialto will increase ticket prices or not, and will the Rialto attract more customers if they offer new features with higher prices. Even though we know that customers like these new features, it may cost the Rialto a lot of money to invest on these new features, then, the Rialto might raise their ticket prices. In addition, the survey also shows that the price can be an important factor that can potentially prevent customers form going to the movies, then, it is conceivable that the Rialto might not draw more customers with new features with higher prices, and the author’s recommendation would be undermined. If the Rialto chooses not to increase their ticket prices, and still provides new features, then, it would be possible that these new features can help draw more crowds if people care about these new features, and the author’s recommendation would be reasonable.
To sum up, in order to evalute the recommendation, serveral questions need to be anwered, whether it is necessary to make a change or not, and can the Rialto help draw more customers with the same new features offered by Apex.
I've referred to your syntactical trainwrecks before, so let's look at a manageable example to clarify the problem. The following is more like a regular car crash than a trainwreck!
"Even the survey reveals that people tend to go to the movies less, however, it is possible that even the number of moviegoers dropped slightly, it does not affect the popularity of the Rialto, then, it may not be necessary for the Rialto to make big changes."
(Before we begin, let's note that the survey does not reveal whether people go to the movies less often than they used to. We can even note that the following claim is technically consistent with the results of the survey: "More movie tickets are being sold than ever before.")
Now back to your sentence. First, in the absence of a coordinating conjunction (like "and" or "but" or "or"), you cannot splice independent clauses with a comma splice. "However" is not a coordinating conjunction and the comma that precedes is a comma splice. Change it to a period or a semi-colon.
Second, what ought to happen after "however" is, for your reader, a matter of guesswork. Your GRE reader will not engage in time-consuming guesswork of this kind and will possibly dismiss the entire sentence as unintelligible. The first problem is that you seem to be missing a word, a small, but crucial one: "if." The second problem is the clause beginning "it does not affect." It's not clear whether that is supposed to be part of the (presumed) conditional (in which case you are missing an "and": "even if the number ... dropped slightly and it did not affect etc." - note the correction of the verb tense) or whether instead it is supposed to articulate your speculation about what would be true if the condition held (in which case, you need something like "it may not have affected etc" - note that, in this case, you would need to do something with the subsequent "then" clause, something in addition to deleting the closing comma, which is an error).
You can probably tell from the foregoing why I don't normally do this kind of thing! Anyway, here's my best guess at what you were trying to say:
"The survey reveals that people tend to go to the movies less often than they used to. It is possible, however, that the number of moviegoers dropped only slightly. That drop might not have affected the popularity of the Rialto. In that case, it would perhaps not be necessary for the Rialto to make big changes."
Note that I've gone from one sentence to four. Doing that kind of thing - writing more, but syntactically simpler sentences - will help you avoid getting into serious trouble. If you do that, of course, then you won't earn any points for complex sentence structure, but you would not earn those points anyway; instead, you would lose points for grammatical and syntactical errors, and you would lose additional points, or fail to earn additional points, because your argument would be unclear.
Since I'm operating on limited time here before taking a break from EssayJudge, I will just note that, while the argument of the essay as a whole is reasonable, the correct way of posing the final question is to ask whether the Rialto can afford to implement the proposed changes without increasing ticket prices, and one could perhaps also ask whether reducing ticket prices instead might be a more efficacious approach.