In the ninth grade as I searched for Cosmo magazines in my older sister’s room I found The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand, its navy cover and dull-gold writing stopping me in my search. I did not stop to wonder why she would have the strange, plain looking book; first publish in 1964, about ethics. As I figured that if she had it must be juicy I dashed into my room, ran to my bed and commenced a non-stop reading session of enlightenment.

That was four years ago.  After all this time, its dog-eared pages kept together with some duck tape and a trusty binder clip remains on my bedside table. I pick it up about twice a year, with the intention of leafing through to find a favorite quote. Yet I end up engaged as the first time I read it; seemingly radical concepts of rational selfishness, living a productive life, and doing so with pleasure, passion, and pride still hook me.

At thirteen, I was inspired by Ayn Rand's ideas, which to me were revolutionary. It was the beginning of freshman year, and these new revelations of feminism and self-empowerment audaciously clashed with the traditional expectations I had always known. I now knew that I longed for something different for myself. Rand had logically and virtually undeniably argued her points; defying convention, mystics, and traditional values. I wanted to be that fearlessly progressive, that confident of my convictions, that willing to base my life on my own logic and values. It was Ayn Rand I thought of at 15 when my father first insisted I try to be a pharmacist, because I would not make it in business. It was Ayn Rand I thought of when I quit my part-time job to intern for an advertising agency in Boston.

But during my most recent reading of The Virtue of Selfishness I was shocked by an epiphany of sorts. As a thirteen-year-old I had read each word as literal truth and gospel; it had never occurred to me to question that assumption.  But what I had really accepted was my own interpretation of her message, which to be completely honest was a foolish and selfish interpretation, and not the "good selfish" Rand promoted. Using her words as justification, I tolerated foolish behavior, such as procrastination.

While I certainly consider myself to be a scholar because I truly love gaining knowledge, my downfall was pairing this with procrastination and determination focused on the wrong goals. I viewed learning my own way, taking the time to learn and reflect on the specifics that actually fascinated me more valuable the receiving an A. These behaviors lead me to be caught in less than ideal situations at Fontbonne Academy, where a strict and advanced curriculum offered me a true challenged for the first time ever.  So despite PSAT and SAT scores that place me among the highest of my class and having an actual understanding of the material, my GPA did relatively nothing to reflect this. Prior to this I had been adored and cherished as an intelligent and artistic child so the way I worked below my academic potential frustrated my peers, teachers, and family, and ultimately me.                                

I realized that while congratulating myself and to taking pride in my intelligence, bravery and reason when things were going well, and pressures of college were not upon me was an easy thing to do. The challenge remained to create a balance between remaining true to myself and maintaining a solid and consistent work ethic. I had believed that by solely being completely selfishly rational and living on my own terms, I would be protected from bad luck, pain, mistakes and failure. Clearly, I had missed the point of the book. Those things are unavoidable, and in actuality are what constitute a life wholly and passionately lived.

Rand once said that "happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values", yet she left what those values specifically are mostly up for debate. I am now better equipped to reach that state of happiness.  I retained my values but have come to understand the importance of not compromising to an educational system, but adapting to, embracing, and working with one can be.  As a child, the almost defiant passion to stand up for what I thought, was evident as I was received the "Most likely to become a lawyer" award. As a young woman that passion is still evident, simply refined and driven by valid values that I now cherish and incorporate into my work ethic. However I require further enlightenment, knowledge, and sophistication to hopefully work my way to being accepted into college and earning a master's degree.  I am an intelligent individual, with the uncanny skill of being incredibly perceptive and thinking logically and I believe that as I gain experience and knowledge I will reach my true potential and learning in itself will be fruitfully enjoyable.