I remember, I remember



The house where I was born,



The little window where the sun



Came peeping in at morn



He never came a wink too soon….



I remember, I remember



Where I use to swing…



My spirit flew in feathers then, that is so heavy now.



Thomas Hood.





These lines speak volumes of my life – growing from a free spirited girl to having the burden of a balancing act. I am a wife, mother to two grown up boys, driving my son to activities, coordinating and motivating my college based son, being involved in charitable efforts, being a corporate wife, running the household and working full-time wherein I have to motivate everyone else to transition from their current state. Some days I feel that the simple joys of life are taken away once the spirit does not find the time in the day to fly!

I was the first girl child (girl is considered the Goddess of wealth) in a large joint Hindu family of four brothers and two sisters. The family was headed by my principled paternal grandfather, a successful criminal lawyer and a prominent politician of his time. His disciplined running of the household was the binding glue for the adults. In India there is a saying that “Interest is dearer than principal” – it was out into practice regularly in our household when it came to grandchildren. Of my younger days of life, the most soothing and pampering memory I cherish was that of my grandmother - her voice loving like a lullaby, her hug was the refuge when seeking shelter and her undying affection and love for us acted as the powers of the magnet. In her large bedroom she would accommodate, rather plan for, the children’s beds and then tell us all magical stories. Every story that she would tell would have us spellbound and mesmerized – however they all had a moral of life as the underlying foundation. It is amazing that even today I use the same stories when working as a juvenile therapist or with adults – allows me to deliver the message in a pleasing, non-preaching, non-threatening, and motivating manner – and delivers an impact that if forceful and lasting. I slept closest to my grandmother because I was scared of the dark (I still am). To help me deal with my fears she made me believe that my toys came alive at night and enacted different stories – maybe she needs to get royalty for “Nights at the Museum”. I feel I am experiencing that same warmth when I establish a rapport with my clients and become an integral part of their recovery process.



At age six I went through the first trauma of my life – our nuclear family moved out as my father, a doctor by profession, had found a nice job in another city. It was tough for me to let go off my granny’s hands – they meant more than a tight grip – they meant comfort and they meant warmth that I could never experience anywhere else. New place and new school, my acclimatization process was made smooth by my father’s unconditional love and support. He would be the attending physician to my dolls, take me to school and let me sleep in his bed – and suddenly the spirit was flying again. That experience still resonates with me in the therapy that I do as I insist on involving family members in the healing process – I truly understand the impact of a support system becoming an integral part of a client’s life during recovery/treatment.



At age nine, three years after our move, I got the news of my grandmother leaving this earth and becoming a toy that would gain life at night. At that age it was difficult for to fathom that I would never again be able to hide in her hug – a chapter of nothing but love in the relationship had closed! My father helped me go through the grieving process, an effective way to come to terms with the loss. He ensured that I was left with cherished memories of the most adorable person in my life. I understood the importance of grieving process for the clients to move on in life.

My father was a brilliant student (one of the top 3 students of his batch in the medical school) and was very close to my grandpa, so many times I saw the same principled man in him, but he was a totally different person when he was with me. My mother enjoyed that side of him. Mom by choice wanted to be a housewife, neat and tidy house keeper and very social (unexpected visitors were like part of the family, welcomed anytime day or night). I would hear loud laughs at 3am in the morning and I wondered why grown-ups laughed so loud. Growing up I had a short temper (once I sat on the doorsteps from morning till evening waiting for my dad to come home because mom did not feed my dolls and so dad had to do the ritual of faking to be mad) but my parents gave me the space and understanding to out-grow my immature behaviors. My father never believed in punitive measures and that is reflected in my belief when providing treatment to the clients on probation for MH/AOD problems.



Now when I reflect upon my memories it just brings a smile to my face. When I was grown up I once asked my dad why was he so accepting of my idiosyncrasies and never tried to correct them early enough. His answer still haunts me in a positive way - he said that there is already an adult in all the kids, parents just need to give them the right support and nurturing to help that side come into being. I do believe that each client has within him/herself the potential to reach where they want to, we, as helpers, provide the right atmosphere to help them grow. By now it is clear that my father was not just a guide, but also my friend and my safe haven, the thing I thought I had lost when my granny left.



School days were fun and filled with carefree moments, getting good grades was an unspoken law. The day it rained I made sure I got drenched in rain on my way back from school and had enough tadpoles in my shoes since I had to check out the puddles on the way – the spirit had the feathers taking me to places! I went to a residential school in my seventh grade since my father was transferred to a place where schools were not as good. The school was situated on a hill surrounded by pristine natural beauty. It was the second traumatic event of my life - I spent many nights simply crying with my face dug deep in my pillow. However with other students who were in the same boat we quickly build a support system amongst ourselves. After all each one of us understood the needs of others. I made new friends and also developed a life-long bonding. My group of friends, known as ‘Naughty Nines,’ was mischievous and made life entertaining in an otherwise very disciplined place. I did well with my studies at school and came in the merit list in two subjects in high school (in India the high school exams are held on national level).



I grew up not knowing any major hardships except that my dolls had been given a very short hair cut by my brother or he had put his stinky socks in my wardrobe. At times I would ask some of our guests if they liked my brother enough to take him with them when they were leaving. Somehow no one took me seriously. In my adolescent days dating! Oh no not possible in the traditional household. I had plenty of friends who were boys, they were allowed to come home and it was understood that they would stay for dinner. I was comfortable with the boys but I never nurtured any special feelings for any one of them. Also it was an unspoken law, and I had this hunch, that no one would tolerate if I dated and stayed out late.



Finished school and went to college automatically, it was just the next logical thing to do. Bachelor’s degree was followed by Master’s degree in fairly streamlined fashion. During my Master’s I had to stay with some of my relatives and the situation was not conducive to learning and was emotionally very draining. Consequently it affected my grades and my self-esteem too. Although, I was not happy with my performance I got upset with my parents for not having let me exploit my true potential during my college years. Reflecting upon that time, I am able to relate to the concept of 90/10 principle- 10% is the external stimulus, and 90% is my reaction/action to that stimulus that would decide 100% the fate of the outcome. In my case I allowed the situation (with relatives) to overpower my potential and decisions and the consequences are very clear. Now that I reflect upon my shortcoming and take complete responsibility of the lapse in my ability to take decision, it helps me look ahead and move on to investing my energy in goals that are important.

Traditionally, in India the marriages are arranged by parents. By the time I got married the trend was gradually changing. At least it had not happened in my family and my father was the first one to break the tradition. Some people in the family were not happy with his outlook towards the tradition (the girl was expected to abide by the decision of the family elders) but no one had guts to tell him to his face. He asked me if I had someone in mind or should he try finding a suitable match for me. Once he had my go-ahead he went about his way of finding a match for me. My husband’s father was a very senior bureaucrat and one of the most decorated police officer in the country. My husband’s maternal uncle and my father were medical school buddies and that is how our rendezvous was arranged. Before I went to meet him I told my dad that if I don’t like him I will say no. Although I had his affirmation (to the dislike of my extended family members) the refusal had to be channeled through him, since it would be considered indecent to be abrupt with my decision. When I met my husband he came across as a fun-loving, cool kind of a person. He was a professional working in a multinational company. Later I asked my husband why did he agree to get engaged to me, to that he responded that since you can keep a pig as a pet (I snuck a piglet in the class room because the little one was lost- still remember the repercussions) I am sure you can keep me too. I thought that was pretty cute and we got married. I am happy with my decision even 20 years later!



Staying together after marriage has required a lot of adjustment on my part and a lot of patience on his part. He is someone who believes in growing together, professionally and psychologically to nurture a healthy relationship. Switching from an emotionally driven person to someone who would listen to logic, thinks it through and then acts on it has been quite a journey for me.



We became proud parent of two boys (18 and 16 now). I decided that I wanted to be a part of their growing up and I decided to stay home with them during their nascent years. Watching them develop a bond and all the fun things that money can never buy, I was blessed to experience (the pictures, albums, and many videos are living proof) their growing up. Parenting is not just a big responsibility but a major learning experience. Although there is no rewind button on the remote control of our life, I look at the past as an encyclopedia full of learning lessons.

I do not have any problem sharing volumes of that book with my clients if it may assist them with issues they may be struggling with. While working with the client’s issues I feel it’s a humbling experience. I feel privileged that they allow me to have access to their very personal details and the traumatic episodes. I decided to pursue my second Masters when my boys started school. In the mean time my husband started a not for profit organization, doing projects to support disaster relief efforts, educational support to children who are less privileged and also support an organization that has a holistic approach to providing sustenance and education to children living in the remote tribal areas of India. My Master’s took me longer than usual (as it is clear in my application) as I went back to India a few times to work with kids on different projects for them. It was a tremendous learning experience and made me more appreciative of God’s blessings on our family. I encouraged my boys to work with the children in India and learn about diligence and drive to work with limited resources. I will be honored to respond to any queries about this project of giving back to the community, that I am still actively engaged in.



Now that one of my sons is in college and the other one is preparing to enter, I felt after having raised two kids and seeing them go to college, my duties as a guiding figure have been fulfilled. Even though my wings are heavy with responsibility still, I do not want to give up flying. Now, I want to be able to go to professional school and brush up on my skills so that I may be able to live up to the expectations that my clients are investing in me install hope in them.