I happened across The Virtue of Selfishness when I was in the ninth grade; it was buried under a stack of tattered old journals in my older sister's room. I had snuck in there to snoop for issues of Cosmos, which my mother insisted she hide from me; possessed with curiosity, I took that as a challenge. But The Virtue of Selfishness, with its navy cover and dull-gold writing stopped me. Its manila library checkout pocket was stamped THOMAS CRANE LIBRARY, the library my sister often visited. I did not stop to wonder why she would have taken the strange, plain looking book; first publish in 1964, about ethics. Figuring that if she had swiped it, it must be juicy. I dashed into my room, ran over to my bed, slid under the covers, and commenced a non-stop reading session of ecstasy and enlightenment.

That was 4 years ago. After all this time, its dog-eared pages, kept together with some duck tape and a trusty binder clip remain on my bedside table. I pick it up about twice a year, with the intention to leaf through and find a favorite quote. Yet end up as engaged as the first time I read it; seemingly radical concepts of rational selfishness, living a productive life, and doing so with pleasure, passion, and pride still hook me.

At thirteen, I was inspired by Ayn Rand's ideas, which to me were revolutionary. It was the beginning of freshman year, and these new revelations of feminism and self-empowerment audaciously clashed with the traditional expectations I had always known. I now knew that I longed for something different for myself, unsure but armed with certain suspicions about what it might entail. Rand had logically and virtually undeniably argued her points. She defied convention, mystics, and traditional values (the book isn't called The Virtue of Kindness after all). The traditional framework and history of the subject at hand, made her philosophy radical. I wanted to be that fearlessly progressive, that confident of my convictions, that willing to base my life on my own logic and values. It was Ayn Rand I thought of at 15 when my father first insisted I try to be a pharmacist, because I would not make it in business. It was Ayn Rand I thought of when I quit my part-time job to intern for an advertising agency in Boston.

But last summer, during my most recent reading of The Virtue of Selfishness I was shocked by an epiphany of sorts. Although Ayn Rand, had meant what she said, and said what she meant in her book, I had not really understood the message. As a thirteen-year-old I had read and thought of each word as literal truth and gospel; it had never occurred to me to question that assumption. But what I had really accepted was my own interpretation of her message, which to be completely honest was a foolish and selfish interpretation, and not the "good selfish" Rand promoted.

Using her words as justification, I allowed myself to wallow in foolish behavior, such as procrastination. Passing off such behavior as just “being true to myself”, I ended up in less than ideal situations at Fontbonne Academy. Which was where, for the first time ever, I have been challenged with school work because of a strict and advanced curriculum. So despite having my SAT scores place me among the highest of the senior class, my GPA did relatively nothing to reflect this ranking. Prior to this I had been adored and cherished as an intelligent and artistic child. So the way I worked below my potential frustrated my peers, teachers, and family, and eventually myself.

I realized that while congratulating myself and to taking pride in my intelligence, bravery and reason when things were going well, and the pressures of graduation and college were not upon me was easy. The challenge remained to trust in myself, my work, my studies, my family, and my gut, when under the most difficult of situations. I had believed that solely being completely selfishly rational and living on my own terms, I would be protected from bad luck, pain, mistakes and failure. Clearly, I had missed the point of the book. Those things are unavoidable, and in actuality are what constitute a life wholly and passionately lived.

While Rand once said that "happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values", she left what those values specifically are mostly up for debate. Armed with an understanding of this, and what my values are now I am better prepared to enter the adult world, and reach that state of happiness. With the necessary beginnings of a solid foundation to live up to my high aspirations I am confident that this is possible. As a child, the almost defiant passion to stand up for what I thought, was evident as I was received the "Most likely to become a lawyer" award. As a young woman that passion is still evident, simply refined and driven by valid values that I now cherish and practice. However I require further enlightenment, knowledge, and sophistication to solidify and utilize to hopefully work my way to graduating with a master’s degree. However I trust that ultimately guiding me towards my aspirations will be my principles and passion. I know that I am an intelligent individual, with the uncanny skill of being incredibly perceptive and thinking logically. I believe that as I gain experience and knowledge I will reach my true potential and learning in itself will be fruitfully enjoyable.











P.S. Copy & Pasting took away the formatting its correctly formatted when in word.