Vaccine For AIDS
The Lion King


In the newspaper article “HIV vaccine shows promise”, by Marilynn Marchinoe and Michael Casey, The world Health Organization and the U.N. agency UNAIDS has began to open a door to stop a deadly virus. This is a historic step in research maybe the elimination of this deadly killer. The current event is a step to stop the spread of a deadly virus, the death rate for people infected by the virus will decrease greatly, and some of the things in the article that brought concern. A vaccine for HIV and AIDS is close to becoming s reality.

This is a historic step in the prevention of the spreading of this deadly virus. They finally made an experimental vaccine that prevented the user from getting infected by the AIDS virus. The vaccine was created from to two previous vaccines that were unsuccessful in the past. The vaccine cut the risk of becoming infected by 31% for the 16,000 who volunteered to test it in Thailand. A vaccine that could one day cure many people, infected by AIDS, is coming closer to reality.

The death rate for people infected by the virus in this world will be decrease greatly. More than 25 million people have die of AIDS since 1981, and if the vaccine is fully develop many live in the future will be saved from death at that time. No longer will we have to fear being infected by the deadly virus. The death rate for teenagers infected by AIDS will decrease greatly if the vaccine is fully developed. This will affect you, me, and many others in a positive way.

These are some of the things that concerned me with this newspaper article. Hoping that one day there’s a vaccine for AIDS is a good thing, but something tells me that this will only give stupid teenagers an excuse to go on screwing spree and catch another deadly sexier disease like stupid idiots. That the vaccine doesn’t turn out to be a mistake that turns people into those creatures in “Resident Evil 5”. That the vaccine will turn out to be a cure for something. This is what I thought about when reading this article.

As you can see, the article is basically saying to the reader that the HIV vaccine research field is getting a step closer to stopping the spread of the virus. This current event is a step to stop the spread of this deadly virus. The death rate for people infected will decrease greatly. And the things in the article that brought concern to me. A vaccine to stop the spreading the a deadly and well know virus is close to becoming a reality


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Carolineru
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Oct 14th, 2009
Overall, the essay is vary good and clearly conveys your message to the reader. However, I am going to nit-pick about grammar and punctuation in a few places. For example, in the first paragraph where you say "... maybe the elimination of this deadly killer.", you could place the phrase "Maybe the elimination" within parentheses. THis would help improve the sentence fluency. In the second paragraph, change the first they to scientists for clarification. Remove the to from the third sentence in the second paragraph, as it is not necessary. Also, you could remove the last sentence as it is also not necessary. (Perhaps it was an accident, but you have a lot of grammatical errors in the third paragraph.) In the fourth paragraph, the first sentence is a little iffy, so you may want to change it to something like: "A few things that concerned me about the article were:" and continue your writing. The fourth paragraph does not match the rest of the essay as far as voice is concerned. Perhaps change the second through the last sentences to sound less juvenile, take out "stupid idiots" and "screwing spree". Good luck on your essay!
October,14 2009

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12wangp
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Nov 25th, 2009
Revise your second sentence its grammatically incorrect
November,25 2009

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Cjadavis
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Apr 17th, 2010
It was a good essay. This is amazing news.
your fourth paragraph seemed like it could have been worded much better. You should revise it to seem more professional
April,17 2010

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Marm
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May 20th, 2010
Hi,

let me raise your attention to the third sentence in the first paragraph. you should use parallelism there to achieve more beautiful a flow. also, use some words like "stop", "virus" and "vaccine" sparingly to avoid tautology.

best wishes,
marm
May,20 2010

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The Lion King
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