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My Life - With A Free Essay Review



“If you want to be somebody if you want to go somewhere you better wake up and pay attention“ This is the motto I live by each day. From the time I was 14 I have held a job, not because I wanted to but because I had too. My father felt that since I was 14 I am grown and I need to look out for myself. Therefore, after he got off work each day he would head to his girlfriend house, and leave me in the house by myself until the next morning. He did not worry about if I had food, not, clothes on my back, or shoes on my feet. I would eat Bread, butter & sugar EVERY NIGHT! I would go to school starving & could not wait to eat lunch & breakfast.

Eventually, I got tired of eating bread, so I took upon myself to go out and get a job working at McDonalds. I swept the Parking lot & cleaned the lobby for about a year and half until I was offered a position in the back working drive-thru. I never told my friends about my situation because I was afraid of being talked about and I did not want anyone in my business. Therefore, I came to school every day with a smile upon my face. I never liked knowing the fact that my other friends are out enjoying their teenage years while I am working just to have food to eat. I understand the way my father attempted to raise me was not the best option but it helped me learn a lot about life. No one is going to give you anything free; if you want to be successful, you are going to have to work for it.

As I look back today, I am so thankful for going through what I did, because I know more about life than the average 20 year old. I experienced it all & I know to make in this life. When I put my mind into something, I WILL achieve it. When I say I am going to make it, I WILL! The sky is the limit, the world tried to get me at the age 14, but it did not work and I refuse to let it try to get me now. I am now stronger & wiser. I thank God for allowing me to overcome my situation as a teenager and to better myself as an adult. Which is why I chose to apply for college , to become the airline pilot of my dream and do I believe as long as I put my mind to it , I WILL achieve it .

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ESSAY REVIEW

The essay begins with a vague motto and ends with a flurry of cliches. The motto is odd because it sounds as though you must be talking to some who is sleeping. It is vague because it is not clear what you think the value of waking up and paying attention (to what?) is. I would recommend beginning with "From the time I was 14 ... ."

The story you tell from that point on is interesting enough, but you ought to try to revise your version of the lessons that you have learned from your experience. "No one is going to give you anything free" is a fairly banal lesson (in fact, it's probably not strictly true; I can get a free cup of coffee at my local grocery store). There is also no good reason here to use "you" instead of "me." In fact, using the first person singular can often be a lot more powerful. Consider the following version of your second lesson: "If I want to be successful, I am going to have to work for it." That's still a cliche, but at least now it is a sentence that also directly tries to communicate your determination.

I would recommend deleting, I am sorry to say, the entire last paragraph. You are trying to reveal something about you, but you cannot do that if you are going to resort to the most commonplace phrases imaginable, the phrases that everyone uses. Some of these phrases are hopelessly vague ("I experienced it all") and some are just nonsense cliches. An assertion like "When I put my mind to something, I will achieve it" has no value at all in a personal statement because it is the kind of assertion that anyone can make (and all too many people do make). You certainly shouldn't make the assertion twice, as you do in this paragraph. The same is true for "the sky is the limit" (although you could make a case for that being an appropriate cliche for one who wants to be a pilot) and even "I am now stronger and wiser." These statements have no value because your reader has no way of knowing whether you are just mechanically rehearsing the usual cliches. You need to try to demonstrate the concrete nature of what you have learned and how you have learned it.

Finally, there is nothing in your life story that explains how you came to want to be a pilot. Adding something of that nature might be a way of individualizing your story.

Best, EJ.

P.S. The writing is a bit sloppy. Learn the rules governing punctuation and verb tenses, proofread in order to avoid typos, use "and" instead of an ampersand, and don't capitalize letters or use exclamation marks for the sake of artificial emphasis (let the words speak for themselves).
Submitted by: rsoliv02
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