Imagine that you are fixing dinner while your teenager plows through their homework at the kitchen table, when out of the blue the teen demands, “Why are you mad at me?” You think, “Where did that come from? Is he stark raving mad, on drugs, or just feeling guilty about something that he knows I will be mad about?” According to an article posted in the July issues of Family Circle by Nancy Kalish, believe it or not, the answer is probably none of the above. Instead, it is most likely that your teenager – like most – actually have trouble recognizing the difference between a parent who is annoyed and one who is just puzzled over dinner.

Teenagers just are not neurologically fine tuned yet. Your child’s emotions have been hijacked by their brain, which is going through tremendous change. If your teen is up one minute, down the next and who knows after that, you’re not crazy, and neither is your child.

There is a struggle in raising teens in this day and age that parents of past generations did not have. There are many factors that play a role in how we raise our teens. Because of violence, drugs, sex, and gang activity, to mention just a few of the factors, parents are having more difficulties than previous generations.

America’s teen are facing great risks from violence, mental abuse, neglect, inadequate schooling, substance abuse, poverty, and other sources that profoundly jeopardize their futures.

One of the most striking aspects of this crisis is how little we have involved parents as part of the solution. It is not always the parents fault. We live in a society today where we have a multitude of single parent homes, or if both parents are in the home, they both have to work and work long hours just to survive. Because of that the kids are left to their own devices, and most are good kids and do the right thing. There are still many that get into trouble and fall into the traps of sex, drugs, and gang activity as well as other activities that are not considered good for them. Those teens that do either end up in jail, or at least in the system, where they are being monitored by a probation officer, or social worker.

We often lose sight of the one group that wants to help teens; their parents. Therein lies the opportunity for parents. In recent years there has been research about the powerful ways in which parents and families make a difference in the lives of teens. Yet, little of that knowledge has been reaching the media, policy makers, and practitioners, let alone the parents.

There is a list of the developmental task that teens need to undertake in order to make a successful transition into adulthood. As a reference point for thinking about the parenting role, these changes cold be organized into Ten Task of Adolescence (see Table 1).

One of the most profound and powerful forces that influence the parenting role is the set of developmental changes that occur in teens. The overall quality and quantity of developmental change in adolescence rival that of infancy and early childhood. This list is not intended to suggest that teens encounter or resolve these tasks in any particular order, or that they accomplish each one all at once. Most developmental milestones evolve very gradually. The list is offered as a short, and parent oriented version, with the hope that it will generate further efforts of its kind.

The developmental tasks of teen confront parents with a dazzling and sometimes daunting array of changes in their teen that the parenting role both responds to and supports. Your teen is in a mix of leaps forward and steps backwards, and they present the parents with striking evidence of these ten tasks in progress.

Keep in mind that just as these developmental changes are happening with the teen, developmental changes are also happening in their parents as well.

1. Adjust to sexually maturing bodies and feelings Teens are faced with adjusting to bodies that acquire sexual characteristics, as well as learning to manage the accompanying biological changes and sexual feelings

2. Develop and apply abstract thinking skills Teens typically go through profound changes in their way of thinking during adolescence allowing them to more effectively to understand. To think about the possibilities, to think ahead, and to think about thinking.

3. Develop and apply a more complex level of perspective taking Teens typically acquire a powerful new ability to understand human relationships, in which, having learned to “put themselves in another person’s shoes.”

4. Develop and apply new coping skills in areas such as decision making, problem solving, and conflict resolution. Related to all these dramatic changes, teen are involved in acquiring new abilities to think about and plan for the future.

5. Identify meaningful moral standards, values, and belief systems. Building on these changes and resulting skills, teens typically develop more complex understanding of moral behavior and underlining principles of justice and care.

6. Understand and express more emotional experiences Also related to these changes are shifts for teens toward an ability to identify and communicate more complex emotions.

7. From mutually close and supportive friendships Teens generally develop peer relationships that play much more powerful roles in providing support and connection in their lives.

8. Establish key aspects of identity Crucial aspects of identity are formed at adolescence, including developing an identity that reflects a sense of individuality.

9. Meet the increasing demands of more mature roles and responsibilities Teen will take on roles that are expected of them in adulthood, learning to acquire the skills to manage the demands that will allow them to move into the labor market.

10. Renegotiate relationships with adults in parenting roles Although the task of a teen is to separate from parents and caregivers, it is more widely seen now as adults and teen working together.

Table 1 (Simpson, 2001)



Researchers have come to see human development as occurring not just in childhood and adolescence, but throughout the life span. Developmental changes in adulthood are different then that in your teen, it can bring on major changes, including shifts in ways of thinking about relating to one’s own children.

When the relationship between parents’ development and their teen, scholars have observed that the developmental changes interact with each other. In an interwoven pattern, raising teenagers can be a stimulus for further development in adults, as well as vice versa.

All these changes impact the teenager’s relationships with their parents, potentially creating more conflict, criticism, and self criticism, and distancing themselves from their parents.

Areas in which a parent is bound to be challenged, and engaged in developmental growth, include defining their own separate identity; working through moral concepts, having perspective on the child’s point of view, and putting the parent child relationship in context. The most profound influence possible and will earn more respect by being a parent first and a pal second.

In spite of all these changes and challenges, in most families there is no serious disruption in the parent teen relationship. Most parents and teenagers report that they continue to share a secure attachment. A survey found that parent and teen relationships remain generally positive, with only five to 20 percent having serious difficulties that affect the teens overall respect for their parents. While most kids are not engaging in dangerous activities, it is your right and responsibility to monitor them.

Teens themselves report that they do not want their relationship with their parents to become distant, but rather to become different, honoring and accommodating their new capabilities and responsibilities. Teen need parents to continue being parents.

Parent can use strategies in to help your teen find and maintain their inner equilibrium. (See Table 2) At the least your child will see that you are trying to walk a mile in their shoes.





1. Do not push When your child is agitated is not the right moment to have a civil conversation. Instead have a cooling off period, unless something is truly urgent.

2. Cool your own outbursts Actions speak louder than words. When dealing with kids, they see everything and get the wrong message. They see you in an outburst and they think it is fine to act that way as well.

3. Set limits and stick to them Give immediate consequences that fit the crime, such as grounding. Ignore eye rolls and sighs, piling on extra punishment will just escalate things.

4. Explain the science Discuss brain development to your child. Let them know that it is an explanation not an excuse for bad behavior.

5. Share the power Some issues are non-negotiable, but it is essential to curb your impulse to make all the decisions.

Table 2 (Kalish, 2009)

Teens need parents and caregivers to provide ongoing information and support around decision making, values, skills, goals, and interpreting the larger world, teaching by example and ongoing dialogue.

Although setting and negotiating limits is a powerful tool for helping teens learn the values and decision making, it also takes the parenting role further by making parents available as sources of information and counsel as teens navigate the world beyond home and family.

Parent exercise their influence both by what they do and what they say. Teens tend to have values and beliefs that are similar to their parents. If they have strong bonds with their parents, teen even tend to choose friends with the same values of their parents, when such peer choices are available.

Parents who have a strong connection with their teen tend to have more influence with regard to teen decisions, as do parents who choose ways of conveying their ideas that are respectful of their teen’s growing maturity of thought action.

In order for a teen to strengthen their decision making skills, they need environments that are neither too little nor too great of a level of challenge. They need opportunities to make mistakes and to learn from them and coming up against few opportunities for trying out new coping skills and experiencing successes.

The challenge for parents is to accomplish these tasks in the face of barriers such as family poverty, racism, lack of child support, unemployment, underemployment, overwork, and limited education, lack of resources, domestic violence, incarceration, homelessness, substance abuse, and illnesses. Theses challenges are increased by a tendency at adolescence for specialized service to be less common and for some problems to become more common.

A subset of strategies address the need for parents to advocate for their teens by involving themselves in their teens’ schooling, including but not limited to meeting with teachers, counselors, and other staff, attending school functions, assisting their teen in understanding and adjusting the transition from middle to high school, monitoring the quality and quantity of teaching they are receiving, as well as advocating for more appropriate services.

Although there is no magic spell that will make teens act differently, you can achieve the same drastic change by learning how to deal with and approach your teenager in order to get the results you want.

The recipe for raising children requires a delicate balance of authority and love. And, with teens, that balance becomes even more precarious. How can you discipline your teen without destroying your relationship? What are the biggest mistakes parents make when disciplining their teenagers. Here were the top two:

1. Lack of consistency – While all children need consistent discipline, it’s even more important for teens. They get frustrated when a behavior is acceptable one day and not acceptable the next. The established rules need specific consequences. Realistic and consistent consequences demonstrate a “real world” view for teens. Creating house rules with consequences, then responding appropriately, provides all children with security and direction.

2. Not listening – Parents want to be respected but don’t always return that respect by listening to their teenager. Not listening to your teen expresses that you don’t feel he has anything valuable to say. Even when disagreeing, teens should be given time to express their feelings and thoughts. This shouldn’t give a teen the right to be ugly or behave inappropriately, of course. Modeling and developing guidelines for how argumentative ideas should be expressed is essential. If you want to be heard, learn to listen.

I'm sure there are a few parents out there raising teenagers who don't have any problems what-so-ever. Their kids help out around the house without being told, love to spend time with their younger siblings, and have lemonade stands every weekend to raise money for the poor. But for most of us that live on planet Earth, raising a teenager can be a very stressful job filled with constant battles and loud door slams. This is nothing new. In fact, raising kids has always been met with frustrations.

Along with the joys of parenting come the frustrations as well. And whenever the frustrations become too much to handle, you must find ways to decompress. Taking time for you is not selfish, it's mandatory. You cannot be a good parent if you're ready to blow at any minute.

The teenage years can be both the best of times and the worst of times. Often, who a person will become is determined by the actions they take in their teen years. One mistake can follow a person around for the rest of their life.

No one has all the answers, and there is no one way that fits every situation. Not all kids are alike; each situation is different from the last and the next one to come. There is no right way and no wrong way to raise healthy, responsible children. It is a learning process for both parents and children, and one we never stop learning from. Do not give up; they are counting on you to mold them. Making quality time for your teen is the best medicine you can give them. So is your teen crazy, or is it you? Truth be told it is neither of you. Your teen is just doing their job, and hopefully so are you.