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Who Am I? - With A Free Essay Review



My name is Ivens Applyrs. Hitherto I was the kid who went through life treading the path of others. In layman’s term I was a timid little child that was fearful of being ostracized for any controversial opinion that I held. During my high school career, however, I have become more intuitive in studies of individuality. I studied many individuals that changed the course of history by just merely voicing their opinion and assuming the leadership role. These select studies have opened my eyes to the type of person I should and can become.

My education in leadership has not stopped within the classroom; it has extended to the church as well. I understand that I am not the most devout Christian, but I also understand that without the lord in my life I will be unable to prosper in anything I do. My favorite context to this statement is Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.” It states only through Christ will I be able to do all things. Since the lord is the source of my strength it is only the lord who shall guide my progression in life. Being raised in a religious household I have learned to accept and apply this principle to my everyday life. It has become embedded into my daily routine. If I am tackling a difficult task I stop and compose myself and ask the lord for strength. In doing such, I rejuvenate my mind/spirit and provide clarity to overcome the obstacle. My religious background has influence me to a great degree and I feel that it has made me a better person.

As the commencement of my post-secondary education approaches it has become more apparent that I shall pursue a major in computer engineering. I feel that this field embodies everything that I would like in a career: an opportunity to lead, create new technology, and influence the world positively. Despite how plausible this idea is I retreat back to the fact that I do not have any money for college, which brings the bases of why I am writing this self-commentary. My parents are entirely in debt and do not have the money to support me through college. It has even become a point that if I do not get at least 90% of my tuition paid for then I will not be able to attend this institution.

I have great aspirations, but the only way that I can continue to aspire is by going to college.

If I am elected the recipient of this scholarship it would be an eternal blessing. I have never begged for something, but in terms of my college education I am willing to work as hard as it takes to receive the best education. I am merely a God faring man that wants to succeed in life and assume the role of a leader. I hope as you look through my application you are able to depict my plight; If not I thank you for giving me the opportunity.

_______________________________________

ESSAY REVIEW

Because I don't know what scholarship you are applying for, it is difficult to know how appropriate this essay is. If it is a scholarship specifically for Christian students, then all of the Christ-talk in the second paragraph is presumably fine; if it is a general, open scholarship, then I'm not sure how well that paragraph will be taken. I suspect, however, that you ought to devote more attention to discussing your educational background and your work ethic.

What you say about your education, in the first paragraph, is a bit vague and in need of elaboration. Note that studying individual leaders is not the same as studying individuality, and the expression "I have become more intuitive in studies of leadership" is not meaningful in any case. Perhaps "intuitive" is just the wrong word here (along with, presumably, individuality) or perhaps you meant to say that you have become intuitive by way of your studies, in which case you ought still explain what you mean by "Intuitive."

Your essay also reveals nothing of your educational background that might be relevant to your desire to pursue a major in computer engineering (have you taken and done well in any relevant courses, such as math or science or computer science?) and your reasons for wanting to pursue that major are a bit vague. It's not clear, for instance, how you see the relationship between computer engineering and having "an opportunity to lead" or how you imagine you might, as a computer engineer, "influence the world positively." That stuff doesn't go without saying, so try to give concrete examples of what you actually want to do.

Generally, that should be your approach to the essay as a whole: tell us what you have done specifically. So, for example, if you want to talk about leaders whose writings have influenced you, identify them and specify the nature of the influence. You say that your studies "have opened [your] eyes to the type of person [you] should and can become," but the truth is that I have no idea what type of person you have in mind here. You say later "I have great aspirations," but I have no idea what aspirations you have, beyond your wanting to study computer engineering. Your essay is titled "Who am I?" Aside from the stuff about the Lord (uppercase L is correct, isn't it?) and his role in your life, which really just marks you out as one Christian student among millions, you are not really answering that question. I would take another bash at answering that question. Give your reader an idea about the kinds of things you've done and expect to do; and let your reader know something about what you think, for example, about the role of computer engineering in the world.

Best, EJ.
Submitted by: iapplyrs1
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