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Personal Statement - With A Free Essay Review



PERSONAL STATEMENT

At squint, I can notice the elegant trotting of old dust as she graces off the corner edges of my now vacant room, free to dance with the borders that no longer remain shadowed. Only she can hear the rippled amplitude of tape as I tightly mask the corner edges to secure personal belongings in anticipation for the bumps ahead of the road. I have done this quite frequently, all too frequent. Having to unpack my possessions in a place Iím obligated to now call home, blind as to when Iíd have to repeat the cyclic change that really brings about no change. Itís always been difficult for me to find a common ground where I can root myself, a place that would one day allow me to grow and blossom without being subdued and concealed in this box. But yet somehow I found that seedling buried beneath the coiled emotions that often tangle my rationale. Some call it an instinct; I think of it as an impulse, a proverb that juices the adrenaline in our body to pursue rather than lean on ambition, to drive without vision, to live without living. Really, itís whatís referred to as a leap of faith - that familiar jump Iím awe to familiar with. As an only child and first generation college student that migrated from Colombia with my mother at the age of seven, we were often at odds with risks that time simply didnít allow us to calculate. Together we stepped foot into this country, our hearts blindfolded in a world of uncertainty yet still beating with pulses of hope. With no money, no relatives and no place to call home, my mother and I would rent rooms until this very day in an effort to continue on our journey in America. As I grew up, I learned to accept the reality that stressing about my familyís misfortunes was no solution. I knew that working a part time shift at Maram Pharmacy and Surgicals during my second year of High School would feed me the moral fiber of labor needed to support loved ones. What I didnít know was the significance of how this job would influence me. Here, I learned the importance and responsibility of becoming a medical practitioner. I became familiar with how each individual in the medical field plays a vital role in helping heal the sick and elderly. Although I couldnít finger point a specific profession at the time, I knew which direction I wanted to steer my life. I simply wanted to be consumed in a health profession. I am certain that attaining a Medical degree is the card that Iíve been dealt, and I plan to play that winning hand. This is not something I owe to both my parents, but something I owe to myself. Truthfully, my constant back and forth is an experience that has arguably made me more reluctant to commit to anything in particular, but my full commitment to applying and one day finishing medical school is of strong virtue. This is not a mere a career goal but a set standard that I have set out to accomplish. My motherís courage to step onto foreign soil to raise me as a child is what motivates me to challenge myself and exercising my full potential. If she took the first step to grant me a better life then I owe her the next leap in life to improve the quality of life for the both of us. My mother is the ultimate motivation for me to succeed simply because I want to thank her in the best way possible, and that is through my education. I am willing to accept the challenges of medical school and take advantage of this opportunity being presented. I intent on learning and understanding the human anatomy as it relates to medicine but most importantly, I intent to carry on what I am learning now as a volunteer, daughter and friend into my future. As a result of all the aforementioned circumstances, Iíve learned to become more pro-active - a team player with leadership determined to use my communication skills in an outreach effort. I consider myself to be a loyal and caring person to my family and friends. I aspire to be endeared by all. I hope my experiences will one day inspire others to feel the urge to volunteer and put in the time to help those in dire need of guidance and assistance. I seek to influence the young and old. My ultimate life ambition is to not only assist those in need of help but to leave an imprint on the medical field that will be commended for generations to come and become recognized for helping others to help each other. I believe that with each individual, we can all help one person at a time and provide a loving and caring society where we no longer need to live in fear of isolation, loneliness and abandonment. Instead, I want to encourage the emphasis of togetherness and healing the wounds that otherwise scar individuals forever. Personally, I want to succeed and accelerate in my career due in part to the sacrifices my mother gambled by coming to America and leaving her family for the betterment of my life. For this, I will forever be grateful and I feel it is my obliged duty to make her proud, move her into a new home and fulfill my destiny of becoming a Medical Doctor. Only then will I gracefully repack my belongings and watch the dust careen along the floors one last time.

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ESSAY REVIEW



Your writing is not quite good enough to pull off a poetic approach to writing a personal statement, so you should retreat from the winged horse, and write in more or less plain English. The story you have to tell is compelling enough in its own right, so you do not need to try to enliven it with images of blindfolded hearts beating with pulses of hope (which is more than, and so worse than!, just a mixed metaphor). You cannot support loved ones with the moral fiber of labor; to support them, you need the actual fiber and nutrients found in food that you buy with money that you earn when you sell your labor to the company you work for. So just say something like "I got a job at X to help support Z." Again, the content of the story is what is going to matter most here, since, again (and I'm sorry to say) you haven't yet mastered the art of poetry (almost no one ever masters the language of poetry, so don't worry about it!). So tell your story simply and concretely (avoid cliches, avoid vague expressions, avoid silly metaphors, including the stuff about dust) and explain simply why you want to study medicine. It's fine to want to do that for a variety of reasons, but the reasons should mostly be related to your interest in the field (any number of careers will allow you to buy a house).

Best, EJ.

P.S. A few language notes

Doctors don't heal the sick and the elderly; they just heal the sick. (You can't heal the elderly, unless they get sick, in which case, naturally, they are the sick!).

finger point -> put a finger on

"awe" -> all

I am certain that attaining a Medical degree is the card that Iíve been dealt, and I plan to play that winning hand. -> I want to be a doctor.

Iíve learned to become more proactive - a team player with leadership determined to use my communication skills in an outreach effort. -> This is meaningless!
Submitted by: Stormy91
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Comments
Stormy91
+1

Thank you very much for reading my essay. I am hoping they look past what I wrote and see that I tried to be different. It either went incredibly wrong or just right.

Thanks again.
March,31 2012

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